In Conversation With Philip Chave
 The Haven Healing Centre Home Therapist Series  

 Beating Porn Addiction and
 Sex Addiction the Easy Way

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Beating Pornography Addiction - a self help CD set

Achieve Rapid Freedom from the Pain of Pornography Addiction

Porn addiction is all about us as an individual. Maybe it doesn't start out that way, but once you become addicted to anything, your attention turns inward. You start to look in and not out. Your attention becomes focused on the self. Therein lies the danger, because one of the prime causes of depression is when we look inward at ourselves and our own behaviour, rather than looking outward, with optimism and hope. We begin to feel anxious, suffer from low self esteem, low self confidence, and develop a compulsive need to self medicate. In other words, we begin to feel like things are hopeless, and we suffer from hopelessness.

The reason porn addiction is such a complex addiction is because it is linked to our natural, fundamental bodily urges, needs and requirements. In many respects, this is similar to addictions around food (anorexia and bulimia for example), which are also very complex because they are centered around our need to survive, which of course, we do through food and the act of eating. We cannot stop feeling hungry, just as we cannot stop feeling sexy. Both are hard-wired into our brains, because if we didn't eat, we die, if we don't procreate, we die out.

One thing it's important to understand; porn addiction or sexual addiction are NOT JUST ABOUT SEX. The focus seems to be about that because that is the outcome. Take someone who smokes. If smoking was about putting burning leaves in your mouth, you could stand next to a large bonfire and breathe in the smoke and have the same thing happen. But instead, you choke, you can't breathe, you feel uncomfortable, your eyes stream and you very quickly look to get away, usually upwind.

So what is it about cigarette smoke that you put up with it? You keep smoking when you start until your lungs are forced to give in and accept the smoke. Your body tells you this is bad, but your brain is telling you the feeling you get, the chemical rush you get from the cocktail of drugs in the tobacco, is good. That the feelings you get are worth the risk, and look, you've stopped choking on the smoke now, it's not so bad, and I am happy, therefore smoking is good. Before long, you're hooked.

In just the same way, porn addiction and sex addiction is the same thing, a drug addiction. This drug addiction is the product of chemicals manufactured inside your own body. You do not need to inject these chemicals, drink them, smoke them, or ingest them. Your body manufactures them, and you become hooked by their effects on the brain.

So wives who say, 'this is my fault', or, 'what did I do wrong?' are all taking the blame on themselves unnecessarily. They often point to the secrecy, the betrayal, or, 'the other woman', and think there is something wrong with them. I am often required to point out that this has nothing to do with them. It didn't start because of them, it doesn't continue because of them, and in almost every case, if the husband could turn the clock back to a time prior to their addiction, they would do it in a heart beat.

Sometimes it's the threat of losing their kids, their wives, their homes, or their jobs that drives someone to keep this all under wraps. But in the end, it mostly comes down to the fact that he's ashamed to admit he has a problem with porn and starts to live in denial. This is why the support of a spouse is so important in the recovery process.

I'm often asked; how do I know when what I'm doing is wrong? This question is usually asked by someone who dabbles in porn or masturbation, perhaps not to excess, but enough to make them wonder if the little they do is hurting anybody. They rationalize that we all have natural urges, and this stops them having thoughts of an affair, or worse, and so if this keeps the lid on their urges, then it can't be wrong. And actually, I would probably agree at that stage. Everyone can be a little curious, and sometimes it can be titivating and naughty, and wet dreams makes EVERYONE masturbate at some point, sometimes from a very young age.

So having established that under those circumstances they probably aren't hurting themselves (YET!), I ask them who it would hurt if they were discovered? I maintain, and so often advise, this is the one thing that will help you keep the main thing, the main thing.

When you are sat at your computer at any time of the day or night, if your husband, wife or child was to look over your shoulder and see what you were looking at, would you feel embarrassed, ashamed or guilty?

If the answer is yes, then you have to ask the question, is what I am doing going to improve my relationship with my spouse, or my children, or will it make it worse? A relationship that is not growing, is stagnating or deteriorating. Relationships cannot stand still.

You know the type of thing I'm talking about don't you. You've seen the couple at a function, sat next to each other, but not. Their body language says one is heading one way and the other, the other way. They have nothing to talk about and neither do they look at each other or touch each other anymore. When a couple become room mates, they have either already been engaging in thoughts of another life, or they've been engaging in activity to create another life. Many times this can include pornography, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping or some other distraction.

When someone comes to The Haven Healing Centre for counselling sessions around their porn addiction or sex addiction, I often find that these sessions completely migrate toward healing the relationship aswell. Because one thing I have seen, time and time again, when the relationship is returned to a foundation of love, caring, mutual respect and maturity, the rewards that come from that union are also 'addictive'. Addictive emotionally, physically and mentally.

You see, whatever 'high' you can achieve through porn, pales into significance when you are one half of a healthy, solid, happy, trusting, bonded relationship. Trust me when I tell you, that should be your aim. When you achieve that state of love and connection, significance and security with your partner, then any thoughts of pornography are instantly dismissed in a flash of photons. You just don't want any part of it anymore.

Overcoming Online Pornography Addiction

Your chance to lose this addiction forever!
Over 2.5 hours of insight, practical advice and tools to use in the privacy of your own home.
This double CD, easy listening set, is a question and answer interview session with Philip Chave, director of research and education at The Haven Healing Centre in Blagdon, North Somerset.
Here Phil gives you a detailed account of the tools you will need, and the correct way to apply them, to allow you to step back from the scourge of porn addiction, and find the peace and strength that will give you your life back.

The CD will give you the answers to the most commonly asked questions, such as:
  • Why is pornography so powerful in its hold over people?
  • Is pornography really that addictive?
  • Is pornography a lifelong condition?
  • Does marriage, or a relationship, solve a porn addiction problem?
  • What does porn do to a relationship?
  • How do I cope with continual failure? Treat and Overcome Your Pornography Addiction - Lightscribe Label
  • Why are more and more women experimenting with pornography?
  • Are there any physical changes if I watch pornography?
  • Can pornography ever be a fulfilling replacement for a relationship?
  • How does a spouse know when their partner is looking at porn?
  • But there is sex and temptation all around me, how am I supposed to cope with that?
  • Is there a miracle cure for porn addiction?
  • Is it possible to have a healthy sex life after pornography addiction?
  • Why can't I just stop?
  • I can't forgive myself for being so weak. Is this because I'm a loser?
  • Will my partner ever trust me again?
  • I've been threatened with divorce if I fail and I'm terrified. Is this normal?
  • Is it okay to masturbate if I don't look at pornography?

In Conversation With Philip Chave: Understanding, Coping With & Eliminating Internet Pornography Addiction & Sex Addiction

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The Haven Healing Centre, Street End Lane, Blagdon, Bristol, North Somerset, BS40 7TW